2009 Predictions

It seems that my powers of prognostication fell short of the mark with my 2008 predictions. Instead of admit defeat, I am just going to follow the lead of other “psychics” in the prediction business by dismissing these seemingly apparent failures as simply the inability of the unenlightened minds of others to grasp my brilliance. In other words, I wasn’t wrong, you just don’t understand how I was right.

So without further ado, here are my nine predictions for 2009:

1. President Bush will leave office after the end of his second term in January. The fringe left will continue to exercise their uninterrupted right to free speech and claim to celebrate the end of “tyranny.”

2. Barack Obama will serve six months of his elected term as President before resigning in order to compete on the TV show “Dancing with the Stars”. He will make it to the semi-finals before being voted off the show and will lose to eventual winner Danny DeVito.

3. The zombie invasion will finally be launched from the Midwest and will explain why dead people have been voting in Chicago for so long (sleeper cells).

4. My family and I won’t move to Las Cruces, New Mexico (this one is an attempt at reverse psychology – let’s hope my string of failed predictions holds).

5. Water polo will be the new basketball.

6. Media will continue to be amazed over Catholics who actually hold Catholic beliefs and sympathize with former Catholics who don’t.

7. Twitter will be the new Google. Google with be the new Walmart.

8. ‘A little chubby’ will be the new thin.

9. Global cooling will be viewed as more proof of global warming.

McCain for the win

So “McCain chooses Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin for V.P.

I love everything about this pick. Palin has bona fide conservative credentials. She’s smart, pretty (something McCain is sorely lacking), and threatens to take some dissatisfied Hillary supporter votes away from the Democrats.

On top of it all, McCain stole Obama’s thunder after last night’s DNC acceptance speech. This should be a day where all the news sites are talking about Obama. But looking at those sites today, you wouldn’t even know Obama gave his most important speech of the campaign last night. Oba-who?

Is it the economy stupid?

The price of oil hit $134/barrel today. Labor figures show 5.5% unemployment. The Democrats have decided to exploit this situation for their political advantage. They want to press Republican presidential nominee John McCain by bringing up legislation to extend unemployment benefits (how this benefits the 94.5% employed, I don’t know), give federal assistance to homeowners facing foreclosure, and promote and undefinded plan to address soaring gas prices.

Unemployment is still near historic lows. Most homeowners are not in foreclosure. Our economic woes are due to energy prices, not low unemployment or home foreclosure.

Democrats need to stop blocking energy development here at home. You can’t legislate low energy prices. You can take the restrictions off and let industry produce it though. Now is not the time to exploit bad news for political gain.

We are not in an economic crisis, we are in an energy crisis. It’s the energy stupid. Take off the chains of beauracracy and let us develop our own resources to reduce our dependency on foreign oil.
That is how we will solve the energy crisis.

2008 Predictions

I love the approach of the new year with its promises of new beginnings and weight loss (ahem). It is also the time of annual predictions! I still say, I’m just as accurate as any other charlatan. So here is what I see on the horizon for 2008.

  1. Although “trans-fats” are the current boogey-man, a somewhat confused activist group in California will campaign for “trans-fats” rights. After all, trans-fats should have the choice of being whatever fatty orientation they choose.
  2. Congress will pass a law to end the production of incandescent light bulbs and promote production of compact flourescent lightbulbs (CFL). Within the next five years, Congress will legislate Superfund-like clean up bills from the impending disaster of mercury contamination in our nation’s landfills. CFL producers will be sued en masse for the health related scares of mercury poisoning drummed up by trial lawyers. This will make the tobacco settlement look like pocket change.
  3. Osama bin Laden’s beard will fall out due to a rare skin condition that most commonly results from kissing goats. Al-Qaida will release a tape blaming bin Laden’s affection for goats on Zionists.
  4. Hillary Clinton will almost be elected President of the United States.
  5. Although 2008 is a leap year, the New York Times will ignore February 29th in favor of issuing two consecutive days of the March 1st edition. Sadly, these two editions will be published on the 3rd and 4th of April. The gaff by “the Newspaper of Record” will largely go unnoticed because no one reads newspapers anyway. Most people who become aware of it will hear about it from Leno.
  6. The Hollywood writer’s strike will continue long into 2008. President Bush will be forced to activate the National Guard to keep “Grey’s Anatomy” fans from rioting. “Lost” fans will not riot as they will think the writer’s strike is another plot point in the series and will try to discover how it figures into the plans of the “Dharma Initiative.”
  7. In early January, the state of Iowa will successfully complete its caucus to nominate candidates for the Presidential elections later in the year. Meanwhile, the rest of the country will continue to wonder what the heck a caucus is.
  8. Google will expand its main service from search, to search and rescue. It will only work if you happen to be lost in cyberspace.
  9. Some U.S. city (perhaps even a region) will experience record snow fall. News media will cite so-called experts who blame the blizzard on global warming. These experts will then use the snow as more proof that (in the words of Al Gore) “the debate on global warming is over.”
  10. I will use my paranormal powers to usher in a new era of peace in the Middle East. This new era will last approximately five minutes.

2007 Predictions

It’s time for another round of annual predictions. Out of my 10 predictions last year, I’m claiming five were right on – a 50% accuracy rate. That’s pretty good for a charlatan. So without further ado, here is what I think 2007 has in store for us:

1. Republicans will fail to gain control of the U.S. Congress in 2007 elections. (Yes, I know there are no scheduled federal elections but this is still a pretty risky prediction if you are among the moonbats that swear George Bush is a dictator who is ending our democratic government).

2. Saddam Hussein will be executed before the end of January 2007.

3. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad will resign as President of Iran after nude photos of him appear on the cover of National Enquirer. Before resigning, he will try to claim “I was young. I needed the money.”

4. An Eastern European country will pass a law allowing the death penalty for spammers. Amnesty International will support the law.

5. I will write a parenting guide called “It takes a Daddy.” The Today Show will book me for March 17th, but will drop the segment after realizing the book isn’t titled “It takes a Paddy” and therefore is not appropriate for a St. Patrick’s Day story.

6. Microsoft will publish Windows as open source software after seeing the rising threat of desktop dominance from Linux. In a competing strategy, Apple will triple the price of Mac computers.

7. The San Diego chargers will almost win the Super Bowl.

8. The pope will again continue to remain Catholic.

2006 Predictions

So once again my predictions for the last year were off. Although I would say I did about as well as Sylvia Browne who makes predictions for a living – most of which don’t happen (Hussein dying before his trial began? Not).

Of course inaccurate predications never stop any fake seer worth his salt from making more. So here are my predictions for 2006.

1. Pink will become the new pink. The number 5 will be the new 9.

2. Moveon.org will claim that all citizens are entitled to iPods. Democrats will submit a bill to subsidize iPod purchases for the homeless. The homeless will then use their iPods as hammers to fix the wobbly wheels on their shopping carts.

3. PETA will continue to kill 80% of the animals it receives while claiming to advocate for animal rights. (I guess that means they have the right to be killed in the backs of vans and thrown into garbage dumpsters.)

4. Church critics will be appalled that Pope Benedict XVI continues to be catholic.

5. Democrats will continue to be appalled that George W. Bush wants to nominate conservative leaning judges to the Courts. (I know, some of these predictions are like shooting fish in a barrel).

6. A pharmaceutical company will find a cure for cancer. The previously undiscovered side effect that the drug increases flatulence will allow lawyers to sue the company into bankruptcy while claiming they are protecting consumers from the increased threat of global warning.

7. Michael Jackson will leave the music business and invest heavily in movie theaters. He will henceforth be known as “the King of Popcorn”?.

8. Google will index everything in your house. Activists will complain about invasions of privacy, but most people will cheer when they learn you can google “car keys” and find you left them in the den.

9. Iran will be eliminated in the first round of the soccer World Cup after loosing all its games to Mexico, Portugal, and Angola. Iran will call on all Muslim countries to attack Israel after blaming the losses on a Zionist conspiracy.

10. Another country will win the soccer World Cup. Americans won’t notice.

2005 predictions

OK, so I was way off for my predictions in 2004. In fact, I only got one right – President Bush was re-elected (possibly two right if you consider Brittany Spears marrying one of her dancers the equivalent of gaining 150 pounds).

Of course, being wrong doesn’t stop psychics from trying to predict events every new year. So here are my unlikely predictions for 2005.

1. MoveOn.org will realize their dream of defeating George W. Bush was hopeless and that any tries to impeach the President will fail. They will embrace capitalism and rebrand their site into a moving company – changing their name to MoveYourHouse.org. Look for their bright red moving vans in 2005.

2. Michael Moore will go on a diet.

3. PETA will rally their forces and provide animalarian aid to the hundreds of thousands of domesticated animals who were left homeless after the great tsunamnis in December 2004. Included will be hundreds of animal psychologists dispatched to the area to provide grief counseling for any depressed animals. PETA will also move to outlaw any further tsunamis that may harm animals.

4. Big & Rich (Honeybun’s new favorite group) will release a new album that will usher in an era of peace in the Middle East.

5. Something major will happen somewhere at some time in 2005. (That should be sufficiently vague to guarantee a correct prediction).

6. Anna Nicole Smith will give up her fight for her late husband’s wealth – the one who died at the age of 90 – to become a Buddist monk (or maybe that is boobist monk….bah dum dum).

7. A summit on the state of the world’s environment will degenerate into a riot as the “global warming” faction attacks the “global cooling” faction during a speech by keynote speaker, Sting, on the plight of the rainforest.

8. In 2005, Hollywood will produce a good movie…..one good movie.

9. John Kerry will revert back to his natural color. Then again, he may declare “My truth is that I’m a Pumpkin-American.” Liberal columnists across the nation will then commend him for his integrity.

10. Millions of people who bought the Livestrong plastic yellow bracelets will come to discover they are wearing plastic yellow bracelets (see previous link).

Have a great New Year!