My unlikely 2004 predictions

Britney Spears will gain 150 pounds, take to wearing muu muus on stage, and demand to be respected for her talent. Meanwhile, Christina Aguilera sets a record for most body piercing before dying tragically when all the piercings are simultaneously ripped from her body in a tragic giant electro-magnet accident.

Osama bin Laden will be convert to Kabbalah and record a duet with Madonna that will debut at #1 in France.

PETA will boycott Orkin pest control as cockroach mass murderers and call for a U.N. tribunal to try the “Orkin Man” for crimes against bug-manity. (OK, so not all these predictions are unlikely).

Hillary Clinton will decide to take a hard line against all terrorist supporting countries in her new book “It Takes a Nuke”.

George Bush will win 47 states in the election after Howard Dean admits he has no idea about foreign policy. OK, Dean won’t admit that, but the electorate will realize it and Bush will still win 47 states.

Major League Baseball players will realize their contracts have gotten out of control and are harming the game. The union will threaten to strike if their demand is not met to restructure their contract to limit the money their players can receive – and the Palestinian Authority will condemn suicide bombings.

I will land a job as a columnist for the Wall Street Journal. My witty writings will gain the attention of a high profile producer who will use my articles for a new TV series that will be the most watched premier ever. The contract will make me rich, but after the first 6 episodes the writing will become shoddy and cliche leading to a cancellation after the first season. Reruns will live on and become a cult classic.