Another year past, and another batch of predictions from last year have proven eerily accurate. I thought Taco Bell’s taco flavored tacos were a brilliant addition to the menu in 2015. They even ALMOST tasted like tacos.
So while basking in my past glories, here are my predictions for 2016:
- In 2016, fat is the new skinny.
- A golfer will accidentally take a divot out of the 7th fairway of the golf course on Andrews Air Force Base. The White House Press Secretary will immediately designate the event as an act of terrorism when President Obama’s ball lands in the divot. FEMA will be deployed to rebuild. President Obama will sing “Amazing Grace” while the repair is completed.
- Hillary Clinton will be caught on camera robbing a liquor store in March. She will still win the Democratic presidential nomination.
- Donald Trump will build a lemonade stand in New York. He will get the Democratic National Committee to pay for it.
- Miley Cirus will dress up as a cucumber for a performance at this year’s Grammy awards. No one will notice.
- The popularity of the “man bun” will reach its zenith when men in California begin sporting two man buns at the same time. The trend will die when women realize their boyfriends look like Princess Leia.
- For the first time in history, a write-in candidate will win the U.S. presidential election. However, Big Bird will be unable to take office after his birth certificate reveals he is a fictional character.
- McDonald’s will begin selling the lowest calorie fastfood burger ever made. It will flop when customers see that it is the size of a quarter but costs $7.00 and doesn’t come with ketchup.
- Pastafarians will experience their own great schism with believers in the Great Spaghetti Monster finding themselves in a jihad against those who believe it is the Great Linguini Monster. Marinara will run in the streets.
- After winning the presidential election, Donald Trump will vow to turn Mexico into a casino.
It’s heavyweight season in the liturgical calendar. Yesterday, St. Nicholas. Today, my favorite saint. St. Ambrose (just happens to also be one of my middle names), Bishop of Milan, and Doctor of the Catholic Church (one of the original four). In 374 AD, this amazing man was already governor of Milan at age 33.
When the previous bishop died that year, Ambrose was spontaneously proclaimed bishop by the citizens of Milan even though he had not even been baptized into the church yet. He tried to decline the appointment by appealing to Emperor Gratian who refused his request. In the following week, Ambrose was baptized, ordained, then consecrated as Bishop of Milan.
He is credited with influencing the conversion of the future Saint (and also another Doctor of the Church) Augustine of Hippo.
St. Ambrose, Confessor and Doctor of the Church, pray for us.
Two days ago a Muslim husband and wife left their 6 month old daughter with a grandmother, went to his employer’s holiday office party in San Bernardino, and shot everyone they could. They killed 14 people and wounded 21 more. Thankfully, the couple died in a hail of bullets a few hours later when the police caught their SUV on the highway just a short distance from where the initial attack happened.
Today, the FBI announced it was investigating the massacre as a terrorist attack having found the woman declared allegiance to ISIS on social media around the time of the attack.
Meanwhile the Attorney General of the United States announced her “biggest fear.” It seems the American people’s biggest fear is more attacks by radical Islamists. Not Attorney General Loretta Lynch. Her biggest fear is the “incredibly disturbing rise of anti-Muslim rhetoric.” That’s because her and her boss know that America is populated almost entirely with religious and racist bigots.
See, 35 casualties of a MASSACRE are not indicative of the biggest danger we face. The biggest danger we face is actually Americans attacking Muslims. Never mind that after the Ft. Hood shooting, the Boston bombings, or even the recruiting center attack in Chattanooga there were no attacks on Muslims. Muslims are not being beheaded in the streets. They are not getting shot in their offices while celebrating Ramadan.
There simply is no pattern of attacks against Muslims in this country. But there are repeated attacks of Americans by Muslims. The three I listed above are some of the more noteworthy, but are not an exhaustive list.
Even so, Attorney General Lynch’s biggest fear is “anti-Muslim rhetoric.” Again, the Obama administration proves it is not fit to lead. A leader who makes such a preposterous statement in the aftermath of a massacre of American citizens should not be entrusted with emptying the trash, much less being entrusted with protecting Americans from people who, not only want to kill us, but have done it.