Looks like 2016 was my most successful annual predictions yet. After all, the “body positive” movement did make fat the new skinny, and the great Pastafarian schism will continue to affect us all for generations.
However, my most prescient call was Trump winning the election. Not even Nate Silver saw that one coming. So here we go looking what is to come in 2017:
The left-leaning media will not convince Donald Trump to resign the presidency by continually calling him a Nazi, but that will not stop them from trying.
Orange will be the new tan.
The left will continue to condemn corporate interests but applaud when the corporations Facebook, Twitter, and Google become the final arbiters in determining what is “fake news” and what is not.
The left will not figure out that the answer to racism is not more racism.
Republicans will stop being friendly to Russia when Putin release damaging information about them or Trump. At exactly that instant, Putin will find new friends in the Democrats.
Having won his first Oscar in 2016, Leonardo DiCaprio will finally take on his dream role, Third Wise Man in the Yorkville Baptist Elementary School Christmas pageant.
Ken Bone will take over as lead singer on the Rolling Stones summer tour.
Love will Trump hate and prove it by a continuing wave of hoax hate crimes.
Miley Cyrus will sue the maker of SmartWater after discovering that it does not make you smarter.
Vanilla Ice will get a traffic ticket after coming to a full and complete “Stop,” but failing to “Collaborate” or “Listen.”
Donald Trump came through with a surprise win in last night’s election to become the 45th President of the United States. Here are my takeaways from the biggest surprise in a Presidential elections since Truman beat Dewey:
The enthusiasm gap was real. Donald Trump got about 1 million fewer votes than Mitt Romney received in 2012 and he still won. The reason is because Hillary Clinton received 7 million fewer votes than Obama did in 2012. She just did not inspire enough voters to turn out for her – especially the minority vote she pandered to.
The racism/sexism cards failed for the Democrats. The accusations of racism and sexism about Trump and his voters on social media are even more hysterical today than they were before the election, but it doesn’t matter now. The left has called “wolf” too many times. They made the same accusation against Romney. They have used it so many times, it has finally lost its effectiveness. The left has to realize that disagreement does not make your opponent a racist or sexist.
The Republican party is divided. The Democrats are going to fracture. The Bernie Democrats have a right to feel betrayed by a party that repeatedly acted unethically against their candidate and all for nothing. The DNC colluded against Sanders and it was all for nothing with Hillary’s loss to Trump. The DNC has an “end justifies the means” mentality. But they did not achieve their end.
This election proves that the Democrat’s demonizing the Citizens United Supreme Court decision is just hot air. Hillary Clinton spent more than twice as much money as Donald Trump and lost. One calculation I saw was that Clinton spent $11 per vote and Trump $5 per vote. Special interest money is not the boogeyman the Democrats claim. That will take the wind out of their sales in a move to rewrite the 1st Amendment.
The mainstream media is the biggest loser – especially CNN. Wikileaks email releases proved that CNN actively coordinated with the Hillary Clinton campaign to support her and work against Trump. Other major media figures attended events organized by her campaign. The MSM willingly sacrificed all pretense of objectivity in a failed attempt to elect their candidate. Their credibility is now beyond repair.
Finally, remember when the left said it was a threat to democracy not to accept the results of the election? Now they are protesting Trump’s win in Chicago, San Francisco, Seattle, and other cities across the country. Once again proving that it is the left that is guilty of everything they accuse the right of being.
Another year past, and another batch of predictions from last year have proven eerily accurate. I thought Taco Bell’s taco flavored tacos were a brilliant addition to the menu in 2015. They even ALMOST tasted like tacos.
So while basking in my past glories, here are my predictions for 2016:
In 2016, fat is the new skinny.
A golfer will accidentally take a divot out of the 7th fairway of the golf course on Andrews Air Force Base. The White House Press Secretary will immediately designate the event as an act of terrorism when President Obama’s ball lands in the divot. FEMA will be deployed to rebuild. President Obama will sing “Amazing Grace” while the repair is completed.
Hillary Clinton will be caught on camera robbing a liquor store in March. She will still win the Democratic presidential nomination.
Donald Trump will build a lemonade stand in New York. He will get the Democratic National Committee to pay for it.
Miley Cirus will dress up as a cucumber for a performance at this year’s Grammy awards. No one will notice.
The popularity of the “man bun” will reach its zenith when men in California begin sporting two man buns at the same time. The trend will die when women realize their boyfriends look like Princess Leia.
For the first time in history, a write-in candidate will win the U.S. presidential election. However, Big Bird will be unable to take office after his birth certificate reveals he is a fictional character.
McDonald’s will begin selling the lowest calorie fastfood burger ever made. It will flop when customers see that it is the size of a quarter but costs $7.00 and doesn’t come with ketchup.
Pastafarians will experience their own great schism with believers in the Great Spaghetti Monster finding themselves in a jihad against those who believe it is the Great Linguini Monster. Marinara will run in the streets.
After winning the presidential election, Donald Trump will vow to turn Mexico into a casino.
It’s heavyweight season in the liturgical calendar. Yesterday, St. Nicholas. Today, my favorite saint. St. Ambrose (just happens to also be one of my middle names), Bishop of Milan, and Doctor of the Catholic Church (one of the original four). In 374 AD, this amazing man was already governor of Milan at age 33.
When the previous bishop died that year, Ambrose was spontaneously proclaimed bishop by the citizens of Milan even though he had not even been baptized into the church yet. He tried to decline the appointment by appealing to Emperor Gratian who refused his request. In the following week, Ambrose was baptized, ordained, then consecrated as Bishop of Milan.
He is credited with influencing the conversion of the future Saint (and also another Doctor of the Church) Augustine of Hippo.
St. Ambrose, Confessor and Doctor of the Church, pray for us.
Two days ago a Muslim husband and wife left their 6 month old daughter with a grandmother, went to his employer’s holiday office party in San Bernardino, and shot everyone they could. They killed 14 people and wounded 21 more. Thankfully, the couple died in a hail of bullets a few hours later when the police caught their SUV on the highway just a short distance from where the initial attack happened.
Today, the FBI announced it was investigating the massacre as a terrorist attack having found the woman declared allegiance to ISIS on social media around the time of the attack.
Meanwhile the Attorney General of the United States announced her “biggest fear.” It seems the American people’s biggest fear is more attacks by radical Islamists. Not Attorney General Loretta Lynch. Her biggest fear is the “incredibly disturbing rise of anti-Muslim rhetoric.” That’s because her and her boss know that America is populated almost entirely with religious and racist bigots.
See, 35 casualties of a MASSACRE are not indicative of the biggest danger we face. The biggest danger we face is actually Americans attacking Muslims. Never mind that after the Ft. Hood shooting, the Boston bombings, or even the recruiting center attack in Chattanooga there were no attacks on Muslims. Muslims are not being beheaded in the streets. They are not getting shot in their offices while celebrating Ramadan.
There simply is no pattern of attacks against Muslims in this country. But there are repeated attacks of Americans by Muslims. The three I listed above are some of the more noteworthy, but are not an exhaustive list.
Even so, Attorney General Lynch’s biggest fear is “anti-Muslim rhetoric.” Again, the Obama administration proves it is not fit to lead. A leader who makes such a preposterous statement in the aftermath of a massacre of American citizens should not be entrusted with emptying the trash, much less being entrusted with protecting Americans from people who, not only want to kill us, but have done it.
So last month Bruce Jenner declared that he has a female’s soul in a man’s body. He used cosmetic surgery to feminize his facial features and give himself artificial breasts, and now refers to himself as a woman by the name of Caitlyn. The press then lauded for her being brave.
Another story broke today. Rachel Dolezal is the head of the NAACP in Spokane, Washington and also an Africana Studies professor at Eastern Washington University. She had claimed she is of white, black, and Native American descent. Her parents revealed to the AP that her ethnic heritage is Czech, Swedish, and German, with possibly a “trace” of Native American.
The NAACP issued a statement supporting her. In it, they claimed “One’s racial identity is not a qualifying criteria or disqualifying standard for NAACP leadership.” I do not know of any other NAACP chapters headed by a non-black member. I doubt she would have been appointed to head that chapter had it not been for her claimed black ancestry. Still, good for the NAACP. Let’s see how long it lasts.
The controversy over Dolezal has lead to the creation of some Twitter hashtags including #wrongskin (as in, Dolezal was born in the wrong skin being that she is a black woman trapped in a white woman’s body), and also #transraciallivesmater.
So if one Bruce can arbitrarily declare that his physiology of a man is irrelevant, and that he is actually a woman, why should Dolezal’s racial identity be any different? After all, recent pictures show that her claim of being a black woman is more convincing of her racial claim than Jenner’s claim of being a woman (even with cosmetic surgery and Photoshop).
If “gender” is a matter of will, why not race? I don’t see how you can make an argument for the first, but not the second. So welcome to the struggle Rachel Dolezal. I hope you succeed in the fight of your people.
Witnesses reported that the terrorists shouted (what else?) Allahu akbar” while firing. Video was recorded of the terrorists executing a policeman who had responded to the scene.
In spite of this, Whitehouse Press Secretary Josh Ernest first referred to the event as “an act of violence.” Roughly a half hour later, President Obama released a statement labeling the act as terrorism.
Since then, I have seen pundits try to insulate this attack from Islam claiming that killing defenseless civilians and police does not act in the name of true Islam.
The reluctance of the Obama administration to correctly identify Islamic terrorism for what it is and to claim that there is not a strain of Islam that absolutely does support these acts is foolish. There are “radical” muslims all over the Middle East and Africa. Al Qaeda, ISIS, Boko Haram, Hamas, and the Muslim Brotherhood all believe Islam supports terrorism. All of these groups are significant movements in their geographic regions that all claim they are they real Islam.
Denying terrorism for what it is, or the terrorists for who they are and what they believe is not going to protect us from more attacks.
My predictions for this past year were spot on. You might have missed out on the burqa twerking trend, i.e. “burqing”, but I assure, it swept the nation. Just not this nation. And not a single “Holiday Tree” could be found in July for Independence Day. Another win for me.
So here is what we have to look forward to in 2015.
1. In a break from its traditional menu, Taco Bell will introduce taco flavored tacos.
2. Hollywood will continue to congratulate itself for being brave by insulting the faith of people who do not threaten it, while caving into Islamists, East Asian dictators, and an asthmatic chihuaha that will.
3. Which is why “Muhammad the Musical” will not premier on Broadway this year.
4. Computer hacking will be the new black.
5. The 2016 presidential election will begin this year with 10 different prostitutes announcing their candidacies. Pundits will be surprised that the number is less than for previous elections. Only 8 of them will have law degrees.
6. President Obama will become the first sitting president to hit a hole-in-one…at the Fairfax County Mini Golf Course windmill hole.
7. NSA will begin monitoring underclass high school sports team since the biggest terror threat of 2014 turned out to be “the jayvee team.” Soccer will turn out to be the most suspicious.
8. Having blown its journalistic reputation on a fake gang rape story, Rolling Stone Magazine will turn its focus to feature LOL cat pictures in 2015.
9. The New York law banning selfies that include wild big cats will result in the arrests of 4 lions and 3 tigers, but no leopards. Leopards have a cultural aversion to taking selfies.
10. Jaime and I will not be spending next New Year’s Eve in the hospital with kid who has pneumonia. They’ll all be old enough for the nurses to watch them while we go to a party.