OK, so I was way off for my predictions in 2004. In fact, I only got one right – President Bush was re-elected (possibly two right if you consider Brittany Spears marrying one of her dancers the equivalent of gaining 150 pounds).
Of course, being wrong doesn’t stop psychics from trying to predict events every new year. So here are my unlikely predictions for 2005.
1. MoveOn.org will realize their dream of defeating George W. Bush was hopeless and that any tries to impeach the President will fail. They will embrace capitalism and rebrand their site into a moving company – changing their name to MoveYourHouse.org. Look for their bright red moving vans in 2005.
2. Michael Moore will go on a diet.
3. PETA will rally their forces and provide animalarian aid to the hundreds of thousands of domesticated animals who were left homeless after the great tsunamnis in December 2004. Included will be hundreds of animal psychologists dispatched to the area to provide grief counseling for any depressed animals. PETA will also move to outlaw any further tsunamis that may harm animals.
4. Big & Rich (Honeybun’s new favorite group) will release a new album that will usher in an era of peace in the Middle East.
5. Something major will happen somewhere at some time in 2005. (That should be sufficiently vague to guarantee a correct prediction).
6. Anna Nicole Smith will give up her fight for her late husband’s wealth – the one who died at the age of 90 – to become a Buddist monk (or maybe that is boobist monk….bah dum dum).
7. A summit on the state of the world’s environment will degenerate into a riot as the “global warming” faction attacks the “global cooling” faction during a speech by keynote speaker, Sting, on the plight of the rainforest.
8. In 2005, Hollywood will produce a good movie…..one good movie.
9. John Kerry will revert back to his natural color. Then again, he may declare “My truth is that I’m a Pumpkin-American.” Liberal columnists across the nation will then commend him for his integrity.
10. Millions of people who bought the Livestrong plastic yellow bracelets will come to discover they are wearing plastic yellow bracelets (see previous link).
Have a great New Year!