Looks like 2016 was my most successful annual predictions yet. After all, the “body positive” movement did make fat the new skinny, and the great Pastafarian schism will continue to affect us all for generations.
However, my most prescient call was Trump winning the election. Not even Nate Silver saw that one coming. So here we go looking what is to come in 2017:
- The left-leaning media will not convince Donald Trump to resign the presidency by continually calling him a Nazi, but that will not stop them from trying.
- Orange will be the new tan.
- The left will continue to condemn corporate interests but applaud when the corporations Facebook, Twitter, and Google become the final arbiters in determining what is “fake news” and what is not.
- The left will not figure out that the answer to racism is not more racism.
- Republicans will stop being friendly to Russia when Putin release damaging information about them or Trump. At exactly that instant, Putin will find new friends in the Democrats.
- Having won his first Oscar in 2016, Leonardo DiCaprio will finally take on his dream role, Third Wise Man in the Yorkville Baptist Elementary School Christmas pageant.
- Ken Bone will take over as lead singer on the Rolling Stones summer tour.
- Love will Trump hate and prove it by a continuing wave of hoax hate crimes.
- Miley Cyrus will sue the maker of SmartWater after discovering that it does not make you smarter.
- Vanilla Ice will get a traffic ticket after coming to a full and complete “Stop,” but failing to “Collaborate” or “Listen.”
Another year past, and another batch of predictions from last year have proven eerily accurate. I thought Taco Bell’s taco flavored tacos were a brilliant addition to the menu in 2015. They even ALMOST tasted like tacos.
So while basking in my past glories, here are my predictions for 2016:
- In 2016, fat is the new skinny.
- A golfer will accidentally take a divot out of the 7th fairway of the golf course on Andrews Air Force Base. The White House Press Secretary will immediately designate the event as an act of terrorism when President Obama’s ball lands in the divot. FEMA will be deployed to rebuild. President Obama will sing “Amazing Grace” while the repair is completed.
- Hillary Clinton will be caught on camera robbing a liquor store in March. She will still win the Democratic presidential nomination.
- Donald Trump will build a lemonade stand in New York. He will get the Democratic National Committee to pay for it.
- Miley Cirus will dress up as a cucumber for a performance at this year’s Grammy awards. No one will notice.
- The popularity of the “man bun” will reach its zenith when men in California begin sporting two man buns at the same time. The trend will die when women realize their boyfriends look like Princess Leia.
- For the first time in history, a write-in candidate will win the U.S. presidential election. However, Big Bird will be unable to take office after his birth certificate reveals he is a fictional character.
- McDonald’s will begin selling the lowest calorie fastfood burger ever made. It will flop when customers see that it is the size of a quarter but costs $7.00 and doesn’t come with ketchup.
- Pastafarians will experience their own great schism with believers in the Great Spaghetti Monster finding themselves in a jihad against those who believe it is the Great Linguini Monster. Marinara will run in the streets.
- After winning the presidential election, Donald Trump will vow to turn Mexico into a casino.
My predictions for this past year were spot on. You might have missed out on the burqa twerking trend, i.e. “burqing”, but I assure, it swept the nation. Just not this nation. And not a single “Holiday Tree” could be found in July for Independence Day. Another win for me.
So here is what we have to look forward to in 2015.
1. In a break from its traditional menu, Taco Bell will introduce taco flavored tacos.
2. Hollywood will continue to congratulate itself for being brave by insulting the faith of people who do not threaten it, while caving into Islamists, East Asian dictators, and an asthmatic chihuaha that will.
3. Which is why “Muhammad the Musical” will not premier on Broadway this year.
4. Computer hacking will be the new black.
5. The 2016 presidential election will begin this year with 10 different prostitutes announcing their candidacies. Pundits will be surprised that the number is less than for previous elections. Only 8 of them will have law degrees.
6. President Obama will become the first sitting president to hit a hole-in-one…at the Fairfax County Mini Golf Course windmill hole.
7. NSA will begin monitoring underclass high school sports team since the biggest terror threat of 2014 turned out to be “the jayvee team.” Soccer will turn out to be the most suspicious.
8. Having blown its journalistic reputation on a fake gang rape story, Rolling Stone Magazine will turn its focus to feature LOL cat pictures in 2015.
9. The New York law banning selfies that include wild big cats will result in the arrests of 4 lions and 3 tigers, but no leopards. Leopards have a cultural aversion to taking selfies.
10. Jaime and I will not be spending next New Year’s Eve in the hospital with kid who has pneumonia. They’ll all be old enough for the nurses to watch them while we go to a party.
May your new year be filled with blessings.
My 2013 predictions were more off than usual. And I missed this biggest event of all, the death of Sylvia Browne. But as usual, a bad year won’t stop any charlatan from making more predictions. So here is what we have to look forward to in 2014.
1. Syliva Browne will not make a single incorrect prediction in 2014.
2. Miley Cyrus will become a Muslim and don a burqa in her twerking act.
3. As a result, “Burqing” will be the new buzzword of 2014.
4. Time Magazine will strip Pope Francis of its 2013 Person of the Year title when an investigation reveals that he is Catholic.
5. Bollywood will be the new black.
6. The next NSA collection bombshell: belly button lint. Yes, they have it and they know what you wore last Thursday.
7. Angry birds will be arrested for assault and sentenced to anger management classes.
8. Archaeologists will discover large buildings filled with lost caches of books right in the middle of cities. They will name these buildings “Libraries”. No one will know what that means.
9. Scientists will continue to argue over whether the climate is warming or cooling. Meanwhile, a group of confused middle-school children in Massachusetts will start a change.org petition to knit a new polar cap.
10. The bizarre trend of retailers renaming Christmas Trees to “Holiday Trees” will continue. Buyers seeking these trees for their Independence Day celebrations will be disappointed when the trees are unavailable during the summer.
So my 2012 predictions were right on the money as usual. For example, Barrack Obama was a one-term president in 2012. He won’t be a two term president until 2013. Admittedly, I was off on a couple of the predictions, but being wrong never stopped anyone from making more.
So, here we go with my predictions for 2013:
1. A scientific consensus will emerge that the main cause of global warming is chihuahua farts. Seriously, the debate is over. One chihuahua carries more global warming gases than an entire herd of cows.
2. After getting 1 billion views on YouTube for his Gangnam Style video, Korean pop sensation Psy will follow up with a Lawrence Welk tribute album. The first single will get 2 billion views on YouTube.
3. I won’t get charged with attempted rape this year (hopefully).
4. I will be charged with being totally awesome.
5. I will date a super model (OK. already done).
6. Hillary Clinton will leave politics and open up a diner in Arkansas featuring a menu of various pork dishes.
7. The boy band One Direction will not release another album after the entire group gets caught up in a Minecraft video game addiction.
8. Apple will be successful in trademarking the letter “I,” requiring all U.S. citizens to begin referring to themselves in the third person.
9. Justin Beiber will escape notice of the paparazzi by registering at the Hilton in Boise under the pseudonym “Jistun Beeper.”
10. The fashion world will be turned upside down with the introduction of the latest fad, turtle waist trousers.
My predictions for 2011 were unusually off the mark, but that never stops a charlatan from making more.
Hence, my predictions for 2012:
1. A reinterpretation of the Mayan calender will reveal the world will not actually end in December 2012. Rather, that is the Mayan prediction of the start of a new hit series on NBC. The Mayans were really into Dramedey.
2. I will be offered a $10 million publishing contract, but I will not accept it because I refuse the publishers demand to change the lead character from a bearded district attorney battling city corruption into a clean-shaven district attorney battling city corruption. My artistic integrity will not allow me to make a revision that will alter the entire feel of the narrative. Come on, beards are in right now.
3. I’m hungry.
4. You will soon find an item you have misplaced. (This should be sufficiently vague to ensure at least one win in the prediction game).
5. Steve Jobs will not die in 2012.
6. Some famous Hollywood actor will die in 2012. (Shocking, I know).
7. Tim Tebow will continue to be more reviled for praying where other people can see, than other football players are for raping women where other people don’t see it.
8. George Lucas will release yet another revision to the original Star Wars trilogy, this time adding a CGI bikini to Chewbacca.
9. Political activism and sports entertainment will collide when the famed basketball team changes its name to “The Harlem Globalwarming Trotters.”
10. Barack Obama will be a one term president.
My continuing series of yearly predictions must…um…continue. Time to look ahead to 2011.
1. President Obama’s administration will make another foreign policy gaffe by offering the Dali Lama a stuffed dolly llama.
2. The Hula Hoop diet will be the newest weight loss fad after paparazzi captures Oprah giving one of the hoops a try at a Toys R Us outside Galveston.
3. The Funky Bunch will try to launch a reunion tour, but it will fail when Marky Mark refuses to reprise his fronting role.
4. The Caribbean island of Aruba will freeze over when Al Gore decides to hold a Global Warming rally there in July.
5. The success of “Dancing with the Stars” and “Skating with the Stars” will inspire a new series -“Hot Tubbing with the Stars.” The show will fail to gain an audience because the only “Stars” who agree to go on the show will be Elliot Spitzer and Mark Sanford.
6. Reality shows will continue to display a total lack of reality.
7. The press will continue to report any rise or stagnation of unemployment as “unexpected.” It will be the drinking game of 2011.
8. Steve Jobs will create a new product that no one needs now, but everyone will think they need after it hits the market. Something along the lines of an ultra thin Easy Bake Oven…without any buttons.
9. Health nuts will hold rallies against “Big Tobacco”, during which many of the rally participants will also be holding signs to legalize pot.
10. The Denver Broncos will hire a new coach for $5 million per year, while ignoring the fact that I would do the job for half of that.
What a year it will be.
I was unusually accurate in my 2009 predictions. I claim wins for predictions 1, 3, 4, 6, 7, and 9. That’s over 50%. I’m especially thankful that the zombie attack was repelled but saddened over mainstream media’s refusal to follow the story.
On to my predictions for 2010:
1. The turtleneck mu mu will be the hottest women’s summer fashion.
2. Health care will continue not to be free even if Obama-care “reform” gets passed. Political supporters will express shock.
3. Mel Gibson will make his comeback when he takes on his most challenging role ever as the lead character in the screen adaptation of “Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret.”
4. Democratic senators will be ashamed of the practice of taking mega-bribes to pass legislation. They will then climb onto their personal flying pigs for their return flights to their home states.
5. Sick of losing to Facebook, MySpace will launch a redesign in order to become the leading “anti-social” media presence.
6. Milk boxes will start carrying pictures of the missing “millions of saved jobs” credited to the 2009 stimulus package.
7. The publishing industry will suffer from a shortage of books to publish as the Obama administration increases it’s employment of fiction writers to create speeches about the President’s accomplishments.
8. The NFL will consider converting measurements to the metric system in a bid to expand the sport’s global appeal but reject the idea after owners realize they would not understand what “1st and 9.144 meters” means.
9. Cyanide in drinking water will be promoted as being environmentally friendly in an attempt to capitalize on the similar strategies of using bamboo fiber in clothing and mercury in compact fluorescent bulbs.
10. Walking will be the new driving – except for the hundreds of millions of Americans who refuse to quit driving.
In Decemeber I predicted that global cooling will be viewed as more proof of global warming.
The U.K.’s Telegraph didn’t let me down with their headline yesterday that read, “Snow is consistent with global warming, say scientists.” This headline is in response to a week that saw the biggest snowfall in London since the 1960’s.
The money quote:
But despite this extreme weather, scientists say that the current cold snap does not mean that climate change is going into reverse. In fact, the surprise with which we have greeted the extreme conditions only reinforces how our climate has changed over the years.
The globe is not warming, at least not in ways outside of natural variations that have taken place for millennia. That is why the alarmists have changed terms from “global warming” to “climate change.” That way they can continue shout alarms and call for government control no matter which way the weather turns.