2016 Predictions

Another year past, and another batch of predictions from last year have proven eerily accurate. I thought Taco Bell’s taco flavored tacos were a brilliant addition to the menu in 2015. They even ALMOST tasted like tacos.

So while basking in my past glories, here are my predictions for 2016:

  1. In 2016, fat is the new skinny.
  2. A golfer will accidentally take a divot out of the 7th fairway of  the golf course on Andrews Air Force Base. The White House Press Secretary will immediately designate the event as an act of terrorism when President Obama’s ball lands in the divot. FEMA will be deployed to rebuild. President Obama will sing “Amazing Grace” while the repair is completed.
  3. Hillary Clinton will be caught on camera robbing a liquor store in March. She will still win the Democratic presidential nomination.
  4. Donald Trump will build a lemonade stand in New York. He will get the Democratic National Committee to pay for it.
  5. Miley Cirus will dress up as a cucumber for a performance at this year’s Grammy awards. No one will notice.
  6. The popularity of the “man bun” will reach its zenith when men in California begin sporting two man buns at the same time. The trend will die when women realize their boyfriends look like Princess Leia.
  7. For the first time in history, a write-in candidate will win the U.S. presidential election. However, Big Bird will be unable to take office after his birth certificate reveals he is a fictional character.
  8. McDonald’s will begin selling the lowest calorie fastfood burger ever made. It will flop when customers see that it is the size of a quarter but costs $7.00 and doesn’t come with ketchup.
  9. Pastafarians will experience their own great schism with believers in the Great Spaghetti Monster finding themselves in a jihad against those who believe it is the Great Linguini Monster. Marinara will run in the streets.
  10. After winning the presidential election, Donald Trump will vow to turn Mexico into a casino.