My 2013 predictions were more off than usual. And I missed this biggest event of all, the death of Sylvia Browne. But as usual, a bad year won’t stop any charlatan from making more predictions. So here is what we have to look forward to in 2014.
1. Syliva Browne will not make a single incorrect prediction in 2014.
2. Miley Cyrus will become a Muslim and don a burqa in her twerking act.
3. As a result, “Burqing” will be the new buzzword of 2014.
4. Time Magazine will strip Pope Francis of its 2013 Person of the Year title when an investigation reveals that he is Catholic.
5. Bollywood will be the new black.
6. The next NSA collection bombshell: belly button lint. Yes, they have it and they know what you wore last Thursday.
7. Angry birds will be arrested for assault and sentenced to anger management classes.
8. Archaeologists will discover large buildings filled with lost caches of books right in the middle of cities. They will name these buildings “Libraries”. No one will know what that means.
9. Scientists will continue to argue over whether the climate is warming or cooling. Meanwhile, a group of confused middle-school children in Massachusetts will start a change.org petition to knit a new polar cap.
10. The bizarre trend of retailers renaming Christmas Trees to “Holiday Trees” will continue. Buyers seeking these trees for their Independence Day celebrations will be disappointed when the trees are unavailable during the summer.