2009 Predictions

It seems that my powers of prognostication fell short of the mark with my 2008 predictions. Instead of admit defeat, I am just going to follow the lead of other “psychics” in the prediction business by dismissing these seemingly apparent failures as simply the inability of the unenlightened minds of others to grasp my brilliance. In other words, I wasn’t wrong, you just don’t understand how I was right.

So without further ado, here are my nine predictions for 2009:

1. President Bush will leave office after the end of his second term in January. The fringe left will continue to exercise their uninterrupted right to free speech and claim to celebrate the end of “tyranny.”

2. Barack Obama will serve six months of his elected term as President before resigning in order to compete on the TV show “Dancing with the Stars”. He will make it to the semi-finals before being voted off the show and will lose to eventual winner Danny DeVito.

3. The zombie invasion will finally be launched from the Midwest and will explain why dead people have been voting in Chicago for so long (sleeper cells).

4. My family and I won’t move to Las Cruces, New Mexico (this one is an attempt at reverse psychology – let’s hope my string of failed predictions holds).

5. Water polo will be the new basketball.

6. Media will continue to be amazed over Catholics who actually hold Catholic beliefs and sympathize with former Catholics who don’t.

7. Twitter will be the new Google. Google with be the new Walmart.

8. ‘A little chubby’ will be the new thin.

9. Global cooling will be viewed as more proof of global warming.

2008 Predictions

I love the approach of the new year with its promises of new beginnings and weight loss (ahem). It is also the time of annual predictions! I still say, I’m just as accurate as any other charlatan. So here is what I see on the horizon for 2008.

  1. Although “trans-fats” are the current boogey-man, a somewhat confused activist group in California will campaign for “trans-fats” rights. After all, trans-fats should have the choice of being whatever fatty orientation they choose.
  2. Congress will pass a law to end the production of incandescent light bulbs and promote production of compact flourescent lightbulbs (CFL). Within the next five years, Congress will legislate Superfund-like clean up bills from the impending disaster of mercury contamination in our nation’s landfills. CFL producers will be sued en masse for the health related scares of mercury poisoning drummed up by trial lawyers. This will make the tobacco settlement look like pocket change.
  3. Osama bin Laden’s beard will fall out due to a rare skin condition that most commonly results from kissing goats. Al-Qaida will release a tape blaming bin Laden’s affection for goats on Zionists.
  4. Hillary Clinton will almost be elected President of the United States.
  5. Although 2008 is a leap year, the New York Times will ignore February 29th in favor of issuing two consecutive days of the March 1st edition. Sadly, these two editions will be published on the 3rd and 4th of April. The gaff by “the Newspaper of Record” will largely go unnoticed because no one reads newspapers anyway. Most people who become aware of it will hear about it from Leno.
  6. The Hollywood writer’s strike will continue long into 2008. President Bush will be forced to activate the National Guard to keep “Grey’s Anatomy” fans from rioting. “Lost” fans will not riot as they will think the writer’s strike is another plot point in the series and will try to discover how it figures into the plans of the “Dharma Initiative.”
  7. In early January, the state of Iowa will successfully complete its caucus to nominate candidates for the Presidential elections later in the year. Meanwhile, the rest of the country will continue to wonder what the heck a caucus is.
  8. Google will expand its main service from search, to search and rescue. It will only work if you happen to be lost in cyberspace.
  9. Some U.S. city (perhaps even a region) will experience record snow fall. News media will cite so-called experts who blame the blizzard on global warming. These experts will then use the snow as more proof that (in the words of Al Gore) “the debate on global warming is over.”
  10. I will use my paranormal powers to usher in a new era of peace in the Middle East. This new era will last approximately five minutes.